Topic: Round 1: Soul Bound

It's sort of fitting that this year of Idol is doing so well. Did you know that we have officially reached Dimestore's 24th birthday? It was March 1986 when I made my first minicomic, in high school, on typewriter paper - printed same size as drawn on a photocopy machine and hand cut, stapled, and folded. Technology has come a long way for people getting started making comics...but that remains the HEART of the spirit of all of us: Wanting to make a comic people read and enjoy. Dreaming that we can do it for a living. That's what lead us all here.

Hey - if you have not read Nexus yet: Get your free PDF download right now. Seriously. Tell everyone you know about our zine...click the image!!


OK! Let's get to today's Idol Project going into the spotlight.

Soul Bound
Project of: Jimmy Hughson - Drew Tombleson

Thordis is a battle hardened veteran of an old war living a life of seclusion. Malock, a hateful outcast from society unleashes a powerful feral Highborn Black Dragon on a world unequipped to deal with the beast of legend and myth. Desperate, the people of Aberthan send a young messenger to the island of Cleophas to enlist the help of a legendary warrior. With news of the destruction and terror ripping his world apart, Thordis dawns his armor and sword once again to battle evil where ever it might lurk.

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And now, the hooded monks we call...our judges...

Monks? I think not! More like a ninja pal!

Premise: hmmm. Where to begin here. I do like the brevity you've chosen to employ. I'm not sure whether that's someone waiting long enough into round 1 to pay attention to the crits leveled at others, or that's just your style, but either way nicely done. Having said that, you've got two really big problems with this pitch in my opinion. First and probably foremost, it sounds like you watched Dragonheart as you were writing this. Seriously. Now I get the whole "there's nothing really new in the world anymore" BS that some people spout, and I'll agree that there are a lot of stories comic and otherwise that have similar themes, separated by different takes, directions, or whatever you want to call it. Great. But when you put forth a pitch like this and it's SO close to an established property, it's really incumbent upon you to differentiate yourself from that property in some meaningful way. I for one would really like to know this isn't the comic adaptation of Dragonheart. I dug the movie, but really. Give me something.

The second thing I have issue with is attention to detail. I've largely left people alone for comma usage and stuff as long as their writing flows well enough over all, but one of my monstrous hang-ups is contextual screw ups, and this one has a huge one. Thordis can't 'dawn' his armor. If he wants to 'don' it, that'd be ok cause he could do that. An error like this completely jerks a reader out of your pitch first of all, and shows you weren't paying attention as you were writing or proofreading. What do I glean from that? Well, could be you were rushed, and I get that. But it could also be that you aren't proofing your work and you're skipping the little things in favor of the big picture. That's not gonna cut it. If you want your book on the shelf next to mine sharing the same logo, I'm going to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you went the extra mile to make sure your stuff is as professional as it can be every time out. It doesn't matter if you have Jim Lee drawing your script, if the letters are rife with misspellings and contextual errors because you were relying on Word to do your proofing the whole project is still going to come off as amateurish. Work on it.

Cover: On the face of things, it's not a bad cover. The style is very reminiscent of Joe Madureira, at least with the human figure who I'll assume is Thordis. The dragon looks more like a pissed off dog than a dragon, so I'd work on giving him a more reptilian look and feel. The dragon doesn't look proportionate either. His eyes seem too small for the rest of his head. So yeah he needs work. Not much to crit about the guy really, he looks pretty good. I like that he doesn't seem overly muscled, because that's aggravating in a lot of books, so nice work there. The armor makes sense from a movement standpoint, meaning he could move and articulate within the armor you've given him. That's another area a lot of people screw up with while drawing armor. The sword…annoys me. It's huge. FAR too big for a guy of this stature to be wielding one handed. No one uses swords like that unless they're manga. This doesn't strike me as overly manga from looking at the cover, so it would probably be better to tone that sword down to a useable size.

This is also a cover that's going to have logo issues because you didn't leave enough space at the top to get  a logo in without obscuring some of the critical artwork. The linework looks pretty decent though, and I could see this going directly to colors and having an absolutely beautiful painted look if you get the right colorist.

Conclusion: I've mentioned before that I think a comic has to be balanced. You have to have a strong story and strong writing to truly make a comic come alive. The art gives me no worries, at least so far. The premise on the other hand does. I think this concept can be good with some work, but as it is now, I have to give it a NO.

THE ART:

Pro: Nicely drawn. You've got some great linework in here. We don't know if you're planning to ink this, but we suggest that you don't. All that textural work and varied hatchwork you have will be flattened and lost immediately. It's very rare to find an inker good enough to handle pencils of this level of detail and complexity, and it's more likely that the drawing would be ruined. Instead, tighten and harden your pencil work and use photoshop to brighten your whites and darken your blacks. Go straight to color, it can work and does work all the time.

The armor design is solid, and the face has some nice character. You have a lot of details in there that make looking at the figure over and over a rewarding endeavor just to notice all the little stuff you included.

Con: The dragon is really not working yet. We like the teeth, but the eye is far too small and far too close to the bridge of the muzzle. Those rocky bumps on his muzzle are distracting without adding anything to his overall impression. You need a stronger, sharper, meaner design. Dragons have been done a lot, so there should be no end to the amount of good reference you can draw from. Just blend your favorite parts of dragons together and see what you get. Point-blank, though: if the dragon doesn't work, your story doesn't work.

The sword we don't like. We don't take issue with its size, which isn't a big deal if it's in keeping with the meta-rules you're establishing in your story. It's more the excessive amount of stuff on it. Take off the etching, or at least take it back by 50-75%. Lose the odd dip/pocket in the middle of the blade. You're already on the verge of too much stuff on your armor (those eyeballs in particular could probably be swapped with basic gems or something), but to have your sword just as cluttered is a mistake.

In art, you have to balance areas of detail with areas of openness. For every section that's heavily drawn, another section must be clear and clean. Having the contrast of the toothy, rough handguard and hilt against the clean, pure, shining steel blade would give our eyes somewhere to rest and really put a nice emphasis on the killing edge of the sword itself.

Last Word: We want to love this, but that dragon is so far from where it needs to be that we can only just like it.

THE PITCH:

Pro: It's definitely brief, though we aren't sure how much more we would need to know to get where the story is likely to go. It's as classic a tale as there are; old hero, weary of war, must again take up arms to save the people he only barely tolerates. It's been done to smithereens, but only because it's such a compelling story when done right.

Con: It does feel like you could use something to distinguish yourself. There needs to be some angle to this story that makes it different or at least adds some seasoning to the meal. A good story is like a good soup - it takes more than just meat and water (especially since we're vegetarians! ). And even once you have the basic ingredients, there's the subtle spices, herbs, and seasoning that the casual palette might never notice but which make all the difference in the world.

Oh, and we were just as bugged by the spelling and grammar issues as Cary. You're the writer on this book, man! Spellcheck! Now, maybe you've never seen the term "don his armor" in print before (it happens) but you should be running this by a lot of people anyway to test it out before you make the big pitch. Hopefully somebody will be able to catch these things.

Last Word: You've got some meat and some water, and the art adds some nice ingredients, but there's nothing here to make it a delicious, hearty and filling soup just yet.

FINAL VERDICT: It could be good, but it ain't soup yet. But at this stage, with what you have assembled, we aren't comfortable saying no. So instead we'll say Yes and hope that these still waters run deep.

The Pitch ~ Reads like the back of a tattered fantasy novel to me, fantasy circa the late 70's when there was some good stuff, but also some BAD. Guess it's not that different anytime after that, but I haven't been able to read most of what the late 70's had to offer simply from not being able to get past the pitch. Put on your best over exaggerated hyped up British accent and start reading and the tone of the pitch matches perfectly.

Is that a bad thing? For me it's not a selling point, I'll just say that.

Cary, Adam, and Comfort already smacked you around for word and grammatical confusions, so I'll leave you alone on that.

The elements are here for a solid story ~ A war veteran, an outcast, and a dragon, the world's at stake and there's just one man for the job… Cloud! Oh wait, wrong game, err, comic. Sorry, the sword, had to throw out the FF VII reference.

Main suggestion here is to ditch the mention of a messenger, just reference that Throdis was on this secluded island and brought out of retirement… Give us some more details on what makes this world different from the billion other fantasy settings out there without overwhelming us with too much.

Besides that, I'd take things like the powerful feral highborn black dragon and cut it down… 4 adjectives, 1 dragon… does it make him more intimidating than just saying a powerful black dragon, a feral dragon, etc?

Overall, not horrible pitch, but could be a LOT better.

The Rough Cover ~ Adam and Comfort nailed the comment about inks… don't! The details are there and most inkers would hate you for giving them this to ink anyway. I had one of my friends look at a detailed penciler I work with and say, "God, I'm glad I don't have to ink THAT!" The details work for the style, so don't sacrifice those.

Lose the sword… God knows how many hours of Final Fantasy VII taught me one thing ~ characters with big swords belong in manga I'll never read and anime I'll never watch. Some people dig it, not me, especially not with the style of artwork you're bringing to the table.

Most everything else was said… I agree the dragon's face needs some serious work. I like seeing some intelligence in dragons, personally… more than just teeth. Let's see what you can do there.

I'm the savior or the hatchet man here, so I'll say this… Wow us in round 2!

yes

Hmmmmmm, another squeaker here as well…

as we see every year, the later in the round we go, the harder it seems to get to get past the judges…

let's hear some more comments on this project…

I'm a little surprised. When I saw the cover I thought it would sail right through to round 2 with a few warnings. Turns out it was a lot closer than that.
Good luck in round 2 Jimmy and Drew!

A humbling experiance to say the least, this made me think that i depend on my artworks WOW factor to much sometimes. I drew this cover before i had my none photo blue pencils so the new cover will be much cleaner (yes i will be redrawing it) the sword was another item in question, to big, doesn't relate to the style, can't be held with one hand, I'm going to tweak it a bit, but i think once you see the action shoots you will change your mind. As far as it being to heavy for him to wield, it would be, it would be to heavy for any human to weild even two handed since to weights like 70lbs but, Thordis isn't human and in the design and the pages I wanted that to be very evedent. wow i'm rambling lol thanks to all the judges I will use what you have said to take my art to the next lvl.

thanks Mike yeah i was on pins and needles, crazyness

Brawly said

thanks Mike yeah i was on pins and needles, crazyness

At least when Cary gave me the resounding No it came last. The time between his "no" and Bard's final "yes" was agonizing to watch and it's not even my project. lol

Michael Leal said

Brawly said

thanks Mike yeah i was on pins and needles, crazyness

At least when Cary gave me the resounding No it came last. The time between his "no" and Bard's final "yes" was agonizing to watch and it's not even my project. lol

lol yeah I guess it is a lot harder to sit there with a foot on either side of the fence and wait for that final word. However, I will say that I'm very impressed with the revision work you guys have done Michael. If this team shows the same they'll change my mind fast enough.

That cover is really nice. There are some minor, Image-comicky problems with the dragon, but otherwise it is something that I'd at least pick up and thumb through. Also, I think that the logo placement could be done creatively, here.

The pitch is quick and mostly gets to the point, and having never seen Dragonheart, I didn't immediately link it to any existing properties. One problem I was having with the pitch was all the proper names. They're a mouthful, at this point, especially when you're giving us a bunch of Aberthan's and Cleophas' right off the bat. It's a lot of gibberish to process all at once, as opposed to being able to put names to faces and places in the actual comic. You could just as easily say "scared villagers" and "mysterious island" instead of their proper names, at this point, and it might actually give us more to go on…

Which brings me to my primary problem with the entire project: not very heavy on originality. From the run-of-the-mill dragon-slaying story to the cookie-cutter armor and dragon design on the cover, there just isn't much here that hasn't been said already. Look at something like the Final Fantasy series of games and you'll find costume and creature and weapon designs unlike anything you've ever seen before - things that then get copied over and over again by other properties - and that's exactly what a project like this needs: something fresh. As it is, that dragon looks like a very average dragon. The armored guy looks like a pretty random Lord of the Rings warrior. Where's the stuff that's going to set this apart from those types of projects? There has to be a million ways to draw a cooler, more original dragon (make him out of ice, or a bone and sinew dragon, or give him an upside-down face…) and some unique armor (giant bug carcasses, dragon-wing leather…). And I agree with the judges that the story could use a fresh element, as well.

Otherwise, it's all drawn stunningly well, so you've got another round to bring it all into focus.

Hi guys, I just got added to this project as the writer so I just wanted to give a shout out! I have re-worked some of this story and will be posting a pitch soon which i hope you will all find intresting. Drew is also working on his new cover which i think everyone hopefully will enjoy. Not quite sure if he is planning on the new pitch and cover to be posted at the same time so keep an eye out!

Interesting development. Looking forward to the pitch update…

Here it is let me know what you guys think

Soul Bound

One soul must be divided in order for good to conquer evil, but breaking a soul manifested by Gods can only come with divine sacrifice.

Abernath, a world once teaming with magic, is now a barren wasteland all but drained of its being. Malock, once human, is now corrupt and blood drunk by forgotten magic of old. By using these powers to steal the soul of a Dragon God, he prepares to unleash it's fury upon the world. With the land in desperation, its life force all but extinct, the people lean on summoning a myth, a warrior, a legend, Thordis. Crafted by the Dragon Gods and infused by the will of the earth, this is the destiny of the soul bound.

Alan Tombleson said

One soul must be divided in order for good to conquer evil, but breaking a soul manifested by Gods can only come with divine sacrifice.

Abernath, a world once teaming with magic, is now a barren wasteland all but drained of its being. Malock, once human, is now corrupt and blood drunk by forgotten magic of old. By using these powers to steal the soul of a Dragon God, he prepares to unleash it's fury upon the world. With the land in desperation, its life force all but extinct, the people lean on summoning a myth, a warrior, a legend, Thordis. Crafted by the Dragon Gods and infused by the will of the earth, this is the destiny of the soul bound.

Alan, welcome!

First off, I will say the pitch is MUCH stronger. That first sentence is a bit, maybe just cut out a tad ~ One soul must be divided for good to conquer evil, but when that soul is manifested by the Gods, it can only come with divine sacrifice. Even that to me reads a tad clunky, but it IS strong, so cool!

On the second paragraph, make sure you know your difference between "it's" and "its". "…he prepares to unleash ITS fury upon the world.

This does read a little Dark Sun to me, so you might be careful with that. Dragon Gods, once lush world now a barren wasteland drained of magic, corrupted by forgotten magic. Not a direct swipe, of course, but it popped in my head right away when I finished the first sentence in the second paragraph.

Anyway, though, I dig it!

It sounds pretty good. I also thought of Dark Sun but it's hard to be totally unique and I have no problem with the similarities if it stands on its own. I was curious, though, if changing the name of the world to Abernath was a conscious descision or just a typo? It makes me think of Mrs. Abernathy. ^_-

Anyway, I'm one of those people that goes though phases where my interests are constantly shifting (or is that just me?) and I'm not in a 'fantasy' mood at the moment. If I were, I do believe I would be very interested in hearing more.

So having no idea what Dark Sun was I checked it out on wikipedia. Deffinitely sounds a bit like what i wrote, but later it will develop as you learn how magic is used in this world, and why it is important to be somewhat worded like that. I don't want people to think this is a wasteland in the sense that its a desert, but rather that the world is drained of its life, things will look some what unhappy as if there dying. Also barren might have been a bit strong, there's still vegitation just not huge forests. I deffinitely love the criticism and will see if i can do something about those two sentences. Thanks!

Also i just liked the way Abernath flowed a bit more so that's no typo there.

The pitch is great I am glad your on the team. Drew should me what he has so far and I like what I see he should have the new cover done soon.

Well, the new pitch certainly does away with the problem of throwing too many confusing place/people names at us, which is good. That first "hook" sentence is sort of gibberish, though. It screams "LOOK HOW POETIC AND MYSTERIOUS I AM" while leaving out any actual plot or clarity. It just really doesn't make any sense.

Consider the tagline of The Highlander: "There can be only one." Or I Am Legend: "The last man on Earth is not alone." Now try reading yours that way, as a clear and interesting lure into what your comic is about. First off, it's too long, and second, it doesn't appear to have anything to do with what comes later in your synopsis… Just a thought.

Also, "…a world once teaming with magic…" should have "teaming" spelled "teeming."

Additionally, I found the structure of the first two sentences in the second paragraph to be too similar, halting the reading flow (they go "proper noun comma side description comma thing that they do," which is fine once, but twice in a row seems weird…).

Here's an example of how rearranging a few sentences into one can give you a clearer picture of what's going on: "Using ancient, forgotten magics to steal the soul of a Dragon God, corrupt wizard Malock prepares to unleash his fury upon the the world of Abernath."

Oh, it's also odd to stuff the protagonist way at the end of the pitch. I was wondering if Thordis was still the focus of the comic, or not.

Anyway, it's certainly a slight step up over the initial pitch, but still not without its problems. Hopefully the round 2 bios will really make this comic shine.

Well taking all things into consideration, here's my fix on the pitch:

Only ultimate sacrifice can release a bond manifested by Gods.

Abernath, once a magical world, has been all but stripped of its being. once human, Malock, a demon blood drunk by forgotten magic, will use his power to steal the soul of a Dragon God and unleash its fury upon the world. With the land in desperation, its people lean on summoning a myth, a warrior, a legend, Thordis. Crafted by the Dragon Gods and infused by the will of the earth, this is the destiny of the soul bound.

On to finishing the bios hope to wow you guys in round 2.

Well, the Malock sentence is still hurting, but otherwise, you've really pared it down a lot.