Topic: Round 1: Stitchwork

frequentcontributor said

I really liked the cover art, but can't believe how soft-handed everyone was with their pitch critique; the first sentence is practically unreadable! It's confusing ("his murders"? Whose? Is the protagonist being murdered or is he doing the murdering? We can infer whatever we want, but the wording isn't clear, even with the "run away from death" line. Is he killing people and then running away? Why wouldn't you say "escape death" if he is the one not dying? And is he dying and then coming back to life, or just not dying at all?), and the appalling lack of punctuation has gotten a ton of other projects (last year) tossed out. Aside from the major structure problems, I guess I just didn't find it that interesting; sort of a "typical manga"-type story…

This has got a long way to go in the coming rounds.

I think it is apparent that he is dying, as the word "resurrected" would be a clear indicator. Perhaps you got hung up on the poor punctuation of the first sentence? I can see how confusion in the wording of the first sentence can lead to some misunderstandings.

Calling this a "typical manga"-type story, I'm not sure where you are going there. Is that derogatory? Perhaps it is more of a preference issue? Who is to say. Thanks for the feedback though. ()

As I said, I have a file full of pitch revisions. After looking at everyones feedback so far I went ahead and gave it another shot.

Now I am going for the quick pitch obviously, but at the same time I looks as though I need to feed a bit more. While not completely different, I think the subtle changes help. I took advice and used the word escape, the symbolism is strong. I also cut it up a little. Hopefully it is easier to read aloud now.

Revised Pitch:

For Joshua paranoia is not a psychosis; it's a survival skill. The victim of multiple murders, each time he finds himself able to escape death's door. Left in a new body with only convoluted memories and vague images of the spider-limbed sisters who resurrect him, he must act quickly to solve his own mystery before the murderer strikes again.

So what do you think?

Martin, this is better.

Consider this. Say regardless of what happens with the contest you find yourself with a stack full of printed issues of Stitchwork #1 and you find yourself at a small table in Artist's Alley at the SDCC or Wizard Chicago with literally hundreds of thousands of people walking by your table throughout the weekend. As these people walk by, each one of these people is a potential SALE. But the thing is, there are 500 or so other guys just like you, with cool covers, sweet art, and excellent stories.

What sets you apart?

What sells your comic over the superhero book at the table next to you?

He has brighter colors! He has a hot chick on the cover! People seem to have heard about this guy before because they can't seem to get enough of his work. How can you even compete?

I'll give you the answer to that.

The hook.

If I walked up to your table, and you have one to two sentences to sell me your comic, to really PULL ME IN and seal the deal...what would you say to me in that moment?

Find that hook, and then enhance it a little without going overboard, and you've got your pitch nailed.

MartinBrandt said

Revised Pitch:
For Joshua paranoia is not a psychosis; it's a survival skill. The victim of multiple murders, each time he finds himself able to escape death's door. Left in a new body with only convoluted memories and vague images of the spider-limbed sisters who resurrect him, he must act quickly to solve his own mystery before the murderer strikes again.

Definitely stronger. I think you could use something else in here, though… something that gives us a little glimpse what else may be going on.  Hmmmm…. As Cary said, something needs to hit us to say why this is different… Resurrected into new bodies, convoluted memories, spider-limbed sisters, murderer… what else?

The hook. I understand what you are saying. I need to digest this more.

I worry about what to reveal and if so how wordy it will become.

I got a strong tag-line I think, just need a strong hook to pull people in and remember it.

Thanks guys.

Sure thing!

Taking another shot at this.

Someone walks up to my table, I would say the first line to grab their attention then follow up with the paragraph.


You've been murdered, again. Each time you wake up in a new body, your memories convoluted by rebirth. The clock is ticking till it happens again.

For Joshua paranoia is not a psychosis; it's a survival skill. The victim of multiple murders, each time he finds himself escaping death's grip. Left with the same side effects each time and vague images of the spider-limbed sisters who resurrect him. Not knowing who he can trust and most times where he has been, Joshua must act quickly to solve his own mystery before the murderer strikes again.

I'll tell you what I like:

A man solving his own murder. Something delicious about that.

A man fighting to save himself from being washed away, from becoming an empty shell. He's aware that he's losing himself and he fights it. That's a powerful metaphor.

Good luck, Martin.

MartinBrandt said

Taking another shot at this.

Someone walks up to my table, I would say the first line to grab their attention then follow up with the paragraph.


You've been murdered, again. Each time you wake up in a new body, your memories convoluted by rebirth. The clock is ticking till it happens again.

I like that. And it would interest me if I heard it cold, which is the whole point. THAT'S your hook. The rest is window dressing and exposition. Not unnecessary at all, but using too much dilutes that hook. Look at any movie you can think of. If you can't pitch that movie in one to two sentences, it wasn't much of a movie.

Die Hard. "A cop trying to hold his marriage together gets caught up in a terrorist attack and stands alone against a team of highly trained killers while his wife's life hangs in the balance."

That's just an off the cuff example, but it works nonetheless. When you find that hook, when you nail it down, not only will you find yourself being a far more focused writer, you 'll also have a better grip on all aspects of the story. That'll also help you collaborate with the rest of the team when they ask you the little things, like what's her hair color, would she wear this, etc. People overlook the pitch because they consider it the easy part. Sometimes that's truer than others. But you can't take the pitch for granted because it's the foundation your story is built on.

MartinBrandt said

You've been murdered, again. Each time you wake up in a new body, your memories convoluted by rebirth. The clock is ticking till it happens again.

For Joshua paranoia is not a psychosis; it's a survival skill. The victim of multiple murders, each time he finds himself escaping death's grip. Left with the same side effects each time and vague images of the spider-limbed sisters who resurrect him. Not knowing who he can trust and most times where he has been, Joshua must act quickly to solve his own mystery before the murderer strikes again.

I'll agree with Cary that the first sentence is MUCH stronger than before. I like that… Personally, I tend to write pitches similar to this, too ~ one sentence punch, followed by 1-2 paragraph pitch. I've had a LOT of luck with this technique.

My preference would be to not tie the pitch's first sentence, though, to "you", but to keep it about Joshua. Also, rest of the pitch is still a little confusing. Two options are to add more to explain or cut out what's confusing… Here's one option to play with…

Joshua has been murdered… again. Each time he awakes in a new body, memories convoluted by rebirth, and the clock ticks until it happens again.

For Joshua, paranoia is not a psychosis; it's a survival skill. Murdered again and again, he continuously finds himself escaping death's grip, left only with jumbled memories and vague images of spider-limbed sisters.

Not knowing who he can trust and where he has been, Joshua must act quickly to solve the mystery of his deaths before his killer strikes again.

See if you're able to take what I've written and play with it some, building from there. You'll notice I broke it up, too. May look odd, but it helps to break up pitches, even if they are not multiple sentences. We have the punch, the origin, and the conflict, each broken up.

You guys rock!

Thanks for the solid advice. Once again I will let it simmer on the brain.

nice work. I just wanted to second TheLastBard's suggestion to change "victim of multiple murders" to "Murdered again and again." That's much clearer description, every time I read "victim of multiple murders," my brain kind of paused to think about that, but with "Murdered again and again" I felt like I knew what was going on and the pitch wasn't interrupted by my brain.

I really like your first line now, it catches my attention, but (and this is probably more of a personal preference,) but I fill like the word convoluted stands out a little, like its a generic description of what you are trying to say, like if you said, "memories shatter and broken"  or something that gives me a better idea of what you mean by the word convoluted, then the sentence would be even stronger.

can't wait to see more!

Thanks for the feedback Joe. Since you are the REAL Joe Ben, I know to keep my eyes out for the fake one now.

I understand your points and I think it helped bring home what Erik and Cary are saying. So really, many thanks to you.


Here is another shot at the pitch, I added something that got lost when I was trimming it down. As well I beefed up the conflict portion in exchange. I feel pretty good about this one.


I think I said that before though.


Joshua has been murdered… again. Each time he awakes in a new body, memories scattered by rebirth, and the clock ticks until it happens again.

For Joshua, paranoia is not a psychosis; it's a survival skill. Murdered again and again, he continuously finds himself escaping death's grip, left in a new body full of jumbled memories and ability, some of which are not even his own. Not knowing who he can trust and where he has been, his only clues are vague images of the spider-limbed sisters who resurrected him and a stitchwork scar on his body. Joshua must act quickly to solve the mystery of his deaths before his killer strikes again.

This is a strange one for me.  I like the artistic quality of the image that would become the cover of the book…but I get lost in the pitch.  Its not written very well and is really hard to read.  Maybe send this around the room a couple time to clean it up and make it a clearer piece of copy.

As for the premise…if I understand it right…this person is being killed by someone over and over again…and it's kind of a who-done-it story where the character has to solve his OWN murders?  That's a cool sounding story.  I could go for that.

As for the art…that's a COOL image.  You've got a nice wood carved look going on.  It will REALLY shine when it's inked.  I don't know if its possible at this point to straighten things out.  It's a little lopsided.

The image really doesn't give me any information on what the story or characters are all about…but it aesthetically pleasing.

So my (doesn't count) vote: yes (with a tiny Y).  Based on the premise and my taste in artwork…I say yes to this one.  But that pitch needs to be worked over big time…and the character designs in the next round are going to be HUGELY important.


PS: I hadn't read any of the other posts until I had this one written…and I'm seeing that other people had mention the pitch thing here.  I don't mean to pile on and, in fact, it looks like you're already working through your issues already here in the thread.  Good job!!    

That newest pitch is MUCH better and makes the story a lot more intriguing. Check out my revised pitch and new cover for The Vessel and tell me what you think.

Michael Leal said

That newest pitch is MUCH better and makes the story a lot more intriguing. Check out my revised pitch and new cover for The Vessel and tell me what you think.

Thanks. The judges feedback really helps. Instead of just saying yes or no… they are giving us something we normally have to hire someone to do. (Don't get any ideas guys)

Seriously though, I am very happy I entered this contest just for the experience alone.

Martin, I didn't mean to drag you down with my comments, earlier, and I see that you've come a long way in revising your pitch, so allow me to clarify: Yes, poor punctuation is a BIG sticking point, for me. If I can't get through the sentences clearly, it really turns me off wanting to read any more. What may seem perfectly clear and concise to you may not be to others, and I was just pointing that out.

I do like some of the changes you've made to the wording. Specifically, that he wakes up in a different body each time; something that you left out of the initial pitch.

As for my saying that it sounded like a "typical manga," what I meant was that it contained a lot of the tropes of the genre. If you tell me the story is about a dark, brooding emo kid that is surrounded by death, I'll probably think it's a manga, just like if you tell me that it's a story about a guy in tights and a cape who can fly, I'll tell you it's a generic superhero story.

You've already made it through this round, so I'd really make sure you streamline your materials for round 2, and show them to as many people as you can BEFORE submitting to get the best feedback you can.

frequentcontributor said

Martin, I didn't mean to drag you down with my comments, earlier, and I see that you've come a long way in revising your pitch, so allow me to clarify: Yes, poor punctuation is a BIG sticking point, for me. If I can't get through the sentences clearly, it really turns me off wanting to read any more. What may seem perfectly clear and concise to you may not be to others, and I was just pointing that out.

I do like some of the changes you've made to the wording. Specifically, that he wakes up in a different body each time; something that you left out of the initial pitch.

As for my saying that it sounded like a "typical manga," what I meant was that it contained a lot of the tropes of the genre. If you tell me the story is about a dark, brooding emo kid that is surrounded by death, I'll probably think it's a manga, just like if you tell me that it's a story about a guy in tights and a cape who can fly, I'll tell you it's a generic superhero story.

You've already made it through this round, so I'd really make sure you streamline your materials for round 2, and show them to as many people as you can BEFORE submitting to get the best feedback you can.

Now you got me thinking about Death Note.

Thanks for the feedback.

I'm really liking the new pitch Martin. I'm planning on submitting a manga-style entry as well, so I'm glad to have another brother in arms. And now that I read your Deathnote comment it has me feeling this will be delicously creepy, and make me think a bit.

Edit: The artist/writer team on Deathnote are, in my opinion, one of the best duo's out there. Have you read their new-ish manga Bakuman. Reading it inspired me to join the contest.

Vog said

I'm really liking the new pitch Martin. I'm planning on submitting a manga-style entry as well, so I'm glad to have another brother in arms. And now that I read your Deathnote comment it has me feeling this will be delicously creepy, and make me think a bit.

Edit: The artist/writer team on Deathnote are, in my opinion, one of the best duo's out there. Have you read their new-ish manga Bakuman. Reading it inspired me to join the contest.

Thanks. I look forward to seeing more manga-style artwork in the contest.

I agree they are a dynamic duo. I have not had the chance to read Bakuman though. (I did wiki though)  My main inspiration for writing comes from the world of novels though. One of my top favorites is Stephen King.

Good luck to you.